This is a brain. It is not on drugs; indeed, it is not your brain at all. Your brain is not nearly so brightly colored, nor so helpfully labeled. Although really, come to think of it, are those labels actually all that helpful? You've likely heard many of the names, especially around Halloween when brains are all the rage, but what do all of the sections do? Let's break it down, starting from the base.

Brain stem: This is where the brain grows from. A thick brain stem indicates a strong, healthy brain; a narrow, spindly stem usually leads to a weak and underdeveloped one. You can check on the size of someone's brain stem by grabbing them by the back of the neck in a pincer grip. Apply increasing pressure; when they say "ow," you're compressing their brain stem. The longer it takes them to say "ow," the thinner the brain stem is. People who never say "ow" at all are considered legally braindead in most states.

Cerebellum: This word comes from the roots "cere," meaning "brain," and "bellum," meaning "war." The cerebellum is where all of the fighting instincts come from. It's at the base of the brain, which explains why it's the driving force behind so much. It's also one of the first parts to grow out of the brain stem, which is why growing babies kick all of the time.

Optic radiation: This is the part of the brain that makes lasers shoot out of your eyes. The only people to have ever learned how to control it are Cyclops and Superman -- and, it is rumored, George Washington.

Primary visual cortex: A cortex is brain terminology for a codex, which is in turn a fancy word for a book. This is where your brain writes down everything that you've seen, so that if you see it again later, you recognize it.

Wernicke's area: No one knows what this area is for. Appropriately, it was named after Mortimer Wernicke, who no one has ever heard of.

Gustatory area: This part of the brain makes you want to eat. This is why if you hear a child complaining that he is hungry, you should smack him on the back of the head. This activates the gustatory area and creates a sensation of fullness without actually requiring any food.

Parietal lobe: This controls the sensations that make people feel like pariahs, including paranoia, sulkiness, the martyr complex and injured dignity.

Primary somatic sensory cortex: Another book part of the brain. This is where all of the things you sense while you're sleeping are written down. Note that it shares a segment with the gustatory area; this is why your brain eats your dreams upon waking.

Motor cortex: This book is where your brain keeps all of the information about fans, boats, NASCAR and other similar things.

Premotor cortex: This smaller book holds everything about soapbox derbies, windsurfing and other modes of transportation that don't require motors.

Broca's area: George Broca was the first zombie, and intensive studies showed that this part right in the center of the brain was what he was actually after. Further studies showed that Broca's area is, in fact, delicious with a good marinade.

Prefrontal cortex: This contains everything you know about the backs of things. Note that there is no frontal cortex; all frontal recognition is controlled by the cerebellum. This is why it's considered sportsmanlike to fight someone face to face; from behind, you may actually recognize them, but from the front, they're just another target.

Left cerebral hemisphere: Part of the brain is taken from every newborn by the IRS, or similar government agency in other countries, in taxes. This is the cerebral hemisphere that's left. It controls everything from dancing to accountancy.

Left middle cerebral artery: This is a ridiculously complex name for what is apparently the only artery in the entire brain. I have filed a class-action suit to have its name changed to "Brain Artery" at once. If you would like to add your name to the list of plantiffs, please let me know and I will send you a copy of the petition.

Primary auditory cortex: Your brain writes down everything you hear here. It is arguably the most entertaining cortex, as it is full of words like "biff" and "zowie" and "kapow"; the other cortices do not have these words, unless you spend a lot of time watching old Batman episodes, in which case your primary visual cortex also contains them.

And there you go. These are all of the parts of the brain; anyone who attempts to tell you about any others is a charlatan and quite probably a ne'er-do-well to boot. Thank them politely for their information, then back away slowly. Do not break eye contact! Anyone with such a keen interest in brains must be assumed to be a zombie, and zombies love to have the element of surprise. Watch them carefully until you have a clear escape route to carry yourself and your delicious Broca's area to safety.

Mood of the Moment: cheerful
Auditory Hallucination: Voltaire -- Brains