I've often said that I can't hold a grudge. This is, in nearly all cases, true; I've tried on occasion, when I feel someone really deserves to have something held against them, but it just takes so much effort to maintain that level of emotional involvement. It seems odd to make that sort of commitment to something that I won't actually enjoy.

Interestingly, the only person against whom I can easily hold a grudge is myself. With everyone else, I've forgiven and often forgotten whatever slights were committed in short order -- not because I'm so kind and have such faith in people's inherent goodness, but just because I'm lazy. Holding something against myself, though, takes no effort at all. On the face of it, this could be a good thing; after all, if I refuse to let myself live down any embarrassment I've caused, the chances of me making the same mistake again are quite small. On the other hand -- we've gone from faces to hands, now; we're skipping around with wild abandon, so I hope you're all ears -- some of these things have far outlived their usefulness.

The oldest of them is from second grade, just after I'd transferred into the class; I felt stupid because everyone else knew the teacher's routine for ordering from the lunch menu, but I hadn't been told it. I vividly recall the teacher looking at me impatiently, but although I knew everyone else was ordering differently, I didn't know what was expected of me.

Shame's an excellent motivator, and arguably this sort of thing helped me learn to observe and adapt more quickly. However, I had just turned six at the time. This memory is over 21 years old. It's old enough to go out and join me for a drink. And yet it still regularly crops up and causes me to cringe and call myself an idiot; it occurred to me today on the way home from work, for no reason I can discern. It's really time to let this one go, I think.

Therefore, I've declared today Self Amnesty Day. On this and all future May 2nds, I shall forgive myself for all crimes against myself committed more than a year earlier. Only I need a better name, as the acronym for the current one is SAD. Self Amnesty Day won't do me any good if May 2nd rolls around every year and my first thought is, "Agh, what a stupid name! What was I thinking?" It's against the whole spirit of the thing.

I suppose I have until next year to improve it, though; then I can replace the name, and forgive myself for creating this one in the first place. Technically, it will have been just under a year, unless I forgive myself in the afternoon, but I'm willing to fudge it by a few hours. And of course, if I end up regretting that decision, there'll always be SAD 2010! I'm looking forward to not having to look back.

Mood of the Moment: dorky
Auditory Hallucination: Sarina Paris -- So I Wait