Perhaps you are a hypochondriac. Most likely, you are not; most likely, you are a perfectly normal human being, who maybe worries a bit too much about head colds every once in a while, but really, is that aching under the arms normal? Surely it is; surely there's nothing to stress about, even if you do feel a little feverish. Now you are starting to sound like a hypochondriac -- and that's a disease, isn't it? Maybe you do have it. Maybe it's a memetic disease, and you just gave it to yourself. Now you've got the bird flu and hypochondria, and it's not even lunchtime yet. It's well past time to quit while you're ahead; at this point, you'll be lucky to quit while you're alive.

But as I say, perhaps you are not. Regardless, let's pretend for a moment that you are the sort of person compelled to seek out new and different things that could be wrong with you. The New York Times has you covered! Earlier this month, they posted an attractive little graphic of several hundred hereditary diseases, linked together in a branching cloud connected by the genes that cause each disease. They're conveniently separated into color-coded categories, so you can just pick the general area of the disease you believe you've inherited, then zoom in to find numerous possibilities for what could be wrong with you. Best of all, thanks to the gene links, you can then find entirely new things to freak out about!

Feeling short of breath? Looks like a gene that causes asthma can also lead to obesity -- and on the other side, it's got a different gene link to dementia. Isn't that a fun picture of your retirement?

Strokes and heart attacks have a common gene, which is no surprise, but myocardial infarction also has links to diabetes and Alzheimer's. So if your family's got a history of heart failure, there are two more biggies to look out for. On the other hand, it also shares a link with something called "Factor X Deficiency" -- which I can only assume means you're not a mutant, so good work there. I mean, it's a shame that you won't be able to control fire or stick bone claws out through your knuckles, but at least you won't be hunted down by your own government.

What I like best about this chart are the number of unlabeled circles. They're drawn in with gene links, then left inexplicably blank. I assume this is so that you can fill in your own horrifying diseases, if the ones on the chart aren't unpleasant enough for you. "So you have this gene," the chart says. "Would you like cerebellar ataxia? Hypoceruloplasminemia? Or do you want to go for what's in the box? Remember, it's guaranteed to be something hematological!"

Perhaps that's just me, though. Maybe you'd like to fill them in with nice things, like "spontaneous rainbow generation" and "abrupt avian manifestation syndrome." If so, I commend you, and I hope that headache goes away soon. I'm sure you're right; everyone gets headaches. I'm sure it's nothing to worry about at all.

Mood of the Moment: cheerful
Auditory Hallucination: Monty Python -- Medical Love Song