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Omens - We're All Mad Here
You can tell I'm mad because I have straw in my hair.
Welcome to the glorious future year of 2011! Don't get too comfortable; you might not be here for very long. We're less than a week in, and already animals are dying mysteriously in massive numbers. 5,000 blackbirds were found dead in Arkansas earlier this week, and another 500 birds discovered a day later, 300 miles away.

Despite the fact no one knows what caused this, experts are hurrying to reassure us that this is totally normal. It was apparently caused by weather, or possibly disease. You know, those diseases that strike down thousands of individuals at the exact same second, like time bomb flu or countdownculosis. It was probably one of those.

If it wasn't a ridiculous disease and there was no severe weather in the area, then scientist Doug Inkley has a third option:
I believe what happened is that these birds...simply stampeded, if you will. It was nighttime, they couldn't see where they were flying, and they no doubt flew into objects.
If there were a large, bloodstained object in the vicinity, it seems like the sort of thing that would have made it into the news reports. But perhaps it was a moving object, which has since left. If so, we need to ask ourselves: where has it gone? And what will it do when it gets there?

The answers, I think, are: to the Chesapeake Bay, and kill fish. Over two million dead fish were just discovered there; scientists believe they died of "natural causes." I think that on further investigation, though, they'll probably find that something scared the fish, and they stampeded, swimming into objects.

I'd like to add my theory into the running: this is being caused by bees. You know how the bees have been disappearing in alarming numbers for the last several years? I think they're back. They're flying around in titanic swarms comprising billions of bees, stinging anything unlucky enough to stray into their path. We don't know what they want yet, but I'm sure that they'll soon make their demands known, possibly by colonizing a major city and turning it into a hive. I don't think that we're prepared to fight this sort of a battle, either, so let me be the first to say: I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords.

Mood of the Moment: mischievous concerned
Auditory Hallucination: Cowboy Mouth -- Belly

5 comments or Leave a comment
merle_ From: merle_ Date: January 6th, 2011 11:42 pm (UTC) (Link)
"It was nighttime, they couldn't see where they were flying, and they no doubt flew into objects."

I need to stop reading your posts when I am at work. People around me who know I am partitioning Oracle tables and inflicting arcane incantations on databases no doubt get scared when I burst into mildly stifled laughter during database metadata modifications.
anicca_anicca From: anicca_anicca Date: January 7th, 2011 07:19 am (UTC) (Link)

Just adding another weird story of animals dying suddenly and mysteriously in large numbers that was solved eventually. (It was the crows.)
elmo_iscariot From: elmo_iscariot Date: January 7th, 2011 01:16 pm (UTC) (Link)
It's obviously caused by a Satanic cult of D&D-playing, tea-partying, global warming denying Muslim terrorist Jewish bankers. Who voted for healthcare reform.
baronmind From: baronmind Date: January 7th, 2011 02:12 pm (UTC) (Link)
I knew it!
sinndar From: sinndar Date: January 7th, 2011 07:44 pm (UTC) (Link)
I've heard all kinds of stories, theories and crazy ideas about this. I don't know what caused it either, but I immediately put the dead birds and dead fish together. Maybe it's unrelated but how weird??? Anyway, blah blah blah - I just wanted to say your theory is the absolute best. The thought of all those fish swimming, no *stampeding* into objects is totally brilliant. Bravo!

Have you heard, now it's happening to doves in Italy?

5 comments or Leave a comment